decisions, decisions

This past week has been insane. This summer has gone by soooo quickly. This past year has been a whirlwind.

But back to this past week. Yikes. One of the most stressful of my life I think. Class, work, a final (for an impossibly hard class), moving, saying good-bye (even if not forever), change, lots of change, mom's surgery.....phew. I didn't know if I would make it, but here I am! Might sound ridiculous, on paper it doesn't sound that stressful. But it was just a lot going on all at once. And now, it's decision time.

When I first made plans for the trip to Spain, we found out mom was going to have to have surgery to fix a problem she's had for many years, since the birth of an almost-11-pound baby. I was nervous enough to be gone while she was recovering from that. I wanted to be there if she needed help and just to offer my support and love. Then we found out she had cancer, and would have to have that surgery before the other one. And I was even more nervous to be gone, since the recovery would be tougher and there was mention of a slight possibility of needing chemo. Then, we found out the cancer was not only in the right breast, but also in the sentinel node on the right side. So now we are waiting to find out if its in more than one of the nodes, and what more treatment she will need. Now there is more than just a slight possibility of needing chemo. It's pretty much a given she'll need it. And I'm supposed to just leave? Geez. She of course still wants me to go, but....

It's interesting, because while preparing to move out of my apartment and for my trip, I was kind of sad. My life has been fantastic this past year. Even though Spain will be amazing and fun and exciting and a great experience, I was kind of sad because it meant that I would have to leave my cute little (expensive) apartment, my (amazing) Portland friends, my (super-fun) job.....I honestly was wondering why I had wanted to go to Spain for four months. Then I remembered why: it's Spain. Oh yeah.

But now I'm looking at this trying to figure out if I really should be going to Spain or not right now. On one hand, it will be amazing, I have no doubt. My mom wants me to go and one of her nurses told me I need to go because mom has to be able to live vicariously through me. On the other hand, I don't know if I would be able to function very well knowing everything that mom is going through and knowing that I'm not there to help in whatever little way I can. Also, I feel like maybe God put me in a place where I was enjoying my life so much, so that I wouldn't be sad if I ended up not being able to go. Like he knew that this was going to happen, so he made things fantastic for me so I'd kind of want to stay anyway.

I know it's silly because it's not like I'll really be able to do anything to help. She'll have dad, grandma, Megan/Jesse/baby, Kevin/Helen, Cricket....friends/other family. Plenty of caretakers and love-sharers. It's not like, by my being present, she'll be any more comforted or healed or anything. Actually, now that I think about it more, maybe its just selfish reasons why I want to stay. I like to be included and involved and a part of things that are important. Even things that aren't important actually. I just don't like to miss anything. Obviously I can still be involved in things if I'm not actually present. Just in a different way. And it's not like she'll forget that I love her if I'm not there (since I think she's the only person that reads this: love you, mom <3 ).

Ay yi yi, decisions are not fun to make. The main question is, would I be able to do okay in school and be able to thrive in a place so far away from where my momma is in pain. Or would I be a wreck? Again, all about me. This is making me feel very selfish. Maybe that should give me my answer right there...

Time to (try to) sleep. Hope I can sleep in this little chair-bed in the hospital room!